Falling Apart
by Nowhere and Back Again
Summary: I remember it so clearly, rounding the corner and seeing something I wish I hadn't. I remember stumbling back, hitting the lockers with a crack. I remember their heads snapping towards me simultaneously. "I didn't mean for you to find out this way." Jace had said, smirking. I turned and ran, only hearing the echo of their laughter. "That's right you little red-headed freak, run."
1. Prologue

**This is dedicated to anyone who has been through something, and their plea for help has gone unheard. This is my plea for help.**

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_One._

I could still hear his voice, his beautiful, beautiful voice.

"I didn't meant for you to find out this way."

_Two. Three._

I could still see his face, his beautiful, beautiful face.

Laughing cruelly at me, smirking.

_Four. Five. Six._

I could still see his eyes. Once caring and thoughtful.

Turned cold and mocking.

_Seven. Eight. Nine._

Was I not good enough for him? No, I wasn't.

Fat, ugly, worthless, nothing, unwanted.

_Ten. Eleven. Twelve._

I watched with cold eyes as the blood bubbled up.

Red was such a pretty color.

_Thirteen. Fourteen. Fifteen._

She felt fresh tears spill down her cheeks, leaving a trail of fire in their wake.

_Sixteen. Seventeen. Eighteen._

Was I that bad? Yes, I was.

It was the reason Jace left. I wasn't good enough.

It was the reason my dad left. I wasn't good enough.

_Nineteen. Twenty. Twenty-one._

The pain was my mercy. I could feel nothing else, just the blade on my skin, the warm blood.

_Twenty-two. Twenty-three. Twenty-four._

My stomach, legs, and arms burned. The pain was fresh and new, releiving me of my burden.

_Twenty-five. Twenty-six. Twenty-seven._

I lay down, hoping the blood wouldn't stain my blankets. I set the blade down, my eyes shutting as a few stray tears leaked out, followed by more.

I couldn't think of anything.

And yet I couldn't clear my mind.

One thought echoed through my jumbled thoughts.

_I guess I won't be wearing shorts or short-sleeves for a while._

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**Please review and tell me what you think.**

**Ks**


	2. Chapter One

_I was surrounded by a sea of people. They were all wearing black and white, all silent, all milling around me aimlessly._

_I was screaming. I was carrying something too heavy for me to hold, and I needed help. I was begging them, crying. But they all ignored me._

_Blood streamed down my arms, it was the only color in this dark place, but it seemed I was the only one who saw it._

_I sunk further into the ground as the weight increased. "HELP!" I screamed, more tears splashing down my face. I couldn't take this much longer._

_The weight was crushing me. I had to get help soon or I'd be dead._

_I fell to one knee, using all the strength that I possessed to hold it._

_Out of the midst of everyone, someone was running. Towards me._

_Hope flared in my chest. They were going to save me. _

_They were almost there, running as fast as they could._

_I was going to be saved. They were going to save me. _

_But then I sunk further into the ground, and I knew they were too late._

_We made eye contact, and then it fell._

_And I was no more._

I woke with a start, breathing heavily. My red hair was a mess, surrounding my face. My blankets were in a tangle around me, showing proof of my restless sleep.

Running a hand through my hair, I tried my best to slow my breathing. _It was just a dream. It's okay. Just a dream. _

I told myself, over and over again.

"Clary! I'm off to work! Remember to get to school on time, breakfast is on the counter!" My mother- Jocelyn- screamed.

Off to work, like always.

After my father, Valentine, left, she was seldom home. She used to work from the studio we had in our home, but now she preferred to work out of home. She tried to convince me she was fine. But I could hear the sobs echoing from her room. I could see her red eyes. I saw right through her fake smiles. I watched her heart break every time she saw a picture of him. And I also knew she blamed me for him leaving.

What she didn't know is I blamed myself too.

Taking a deep breath, I moved to get out of my bed, wincing as my red angry cuts moved. I sighed, and walked over to my washroom, climbing into the shower as I turned the water on. I loved to take showers, it was refreshing to feel the warm water rush over my face and down my back. As I turned the temperature up, I felt my cuts burn. And then I smiled.

_The pain felt so good._

I took my body wash, and poured some onto my wash cloth, washing myself down, cleaning away all the dried blood.

After a few more minutes, I got out and dried myself off, wrapping my towel around me. I crossed the hallway back to my room, and looked through my drawers, trying to find a good pair of jeans and a long sleeved shirt.

I found my favorite pair of washed out blue skinny jeans, and quickly put them on. I couldn't find a long sleeved shirt though, and so I settled for a baggy tee-shirt and one of Jace's shirts. I also put many -_many -_bracelet's on. It worked.

I looked at my self in the mirror, pulling my messy hair into a pony-tail.

I sighed, upset that I still looked so terrible. I felt so bloated, my thighs so big. My stomach covered in fat.

I sighed, trudging down the stairs with my bag slung over my shoulder. I looked at the BLT resting on the counter, and went over to it. Taking a small bit, my mind started on it's own track.

_God, how can you eat? You're so fat Clary, why do you think Jace dumped you?! Look at Aline, if that's the type of girl he likes, you should try to make yourself look like her. You know what that means? NO MORE FOOD! You don't need it. So don't eat it. Think about your thighs, you stomach. Do you really want them to get bigger? No? Then stop eating._

**But I'm hungry...** I thought back.

_Think of all those calorie's. All those carbs. All that fat it's adding to you. Still hungry? It will make you bigger. You don't want to be bigger Clary, so put that garbage down and don't eat it._

The voice made sense, so I threw the food in the garbage, and then I turned and walked out of my door.

It would work. One day I'll be as skinny as Aline, and Jace will be begging for me to get back with him.

What I didn't understand was why there was still a little voice in the back of my mind whispering _no he won't._

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**A/N: Hey guys! **

**So I'm realllllyyyy sorry it took so long to have this up. But here it is. I hope you enjoyed it, and please comment!**

**So, I'd like to tell you all that I've been clean for over 7 weeks! I'm so proud of myself. **

**And I promise that I'll stay clean. **

**Even though I'm much better, and don't need this story, I'm still going to post for it because I already have the plot line thought out! **

**So, yeah.**

**Bye guys! Hope you're having a good summer!**

**Kassy**


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